Burdens

I hate burdening everyone with my own problems. Maybe it's because I want to be a writer, maybe its because I'm an only child, maybe it's because I move so often that life naturally becomes compartmentalized. Regardless, I've become an expert at bitching about my surface emotions without ever detailing what's really gnawing away at me.

Whenever I finally manage to feel safe enough to delve into that part of me, its never ended well. Like a firehose overflowing with built-up pressure, my thoughts are scatterbrained to the extreme. So instead of bitching to anyone in particular, I've got this nifty blog. So with no further ado...

1. I graduate in five weeks and still have no idea where I'll be or what I'll do. If you know me at all, it's the former that really haunts me.

2. My only real chance at getting what I want depends on, yet again, another round of applications. Two schools in the UK. One year MA programs. The degree also guarantees an additional two year VISA to stay in the country. 1 + 2 = three years abroad = more than enough time to work for residency status.

The deadline system is entirely different abroad, which means that I could theoretically apply all the way up to August. Still, for all I know, all the places were filled way back in January and I'm just wasting my time. It is tremendously hard to make these applications the best they can be - without putting all my emotional eggs in the "grad school" basket.

3. Like almost everyone else, financial difficulties have become a larger part of the equation. My father (a well educated professional with 30+ years in his craft) was laid off in September and is still looking for employment. Outside of my vicarious worrying for my parents, it also means that I've been much more mindful of every dollar I spend.

4. The terrible economy + my lack of a driver's license = nearly impossible to get a job near campus. Despite a four day weekend every week and gigantic amounts of free time, I can't find any place that'd hire me. I don't even want a job for the money. Any way to kill time would be grand.

5. This financial stress has also made conversations with the parents increasingly difficult. Last night I told them that, given the relative uselessness of my degree and my paltry existence after graduation, I didn't want to celebrate my undergraduate celebration. They did not take that well.

6. A few weeks ago my relationship with Alexa spectacularly imploded. We were planning to move in together, get a cat together, share our lives together. I had even begun to prepare to stay in California until she graduated and possibly beyond that. Instead, it looks like I get the worst of both worlds. I miss her terribly - sleeping in the same bed every night for three months will do that to a person. What worries me more is where to go from here.


7. Dating someone who, two months into the relationship, turns to you and says "Insecurity isn't attractive" does wonders for the psyche.

8. Due to a spectacular clusterfuck of miscommunication, all of the trust and responsibility that I've built up with my roommates have been shot to hell. Which means that even my own little room feels less and less like mine.

9. On top of everything else, I can't even bury myself in coursework. All of my classes are intro level lectures that I have affectionately dubbed "my garbage courses". Even if I had one workshop this quarter, that could at least give me an outlet for everything.

10. All of this has flipped my depression into overdrive. It's been slowly getting worse and worse for the last year, but this is the absolute lowest I've been since Boston. I go in next week and am going to ask for a massive increase in dosage or try another AD all-together. In the meantime, I've been drinking anywhere from three to seven days out of the week, and occasionally enjoying a random painkiller or three.

11. Perhaps not coincedentally, I'm constantly nauseated and can't keep any food down. I usually feel so incredibly awful that I force myself to get it out of my system. Which means that most of the time I'm craving food that I'll inevitably throw up in a few hours time. I've been able to get just enough sustenance each day to get by, but almost every other day I'm rushing to the bathroom to cleanse myself. Been here before, but it usually hasn't lasted this long.

Conclusion:
Until I am abroad, there is no point in dating, no point in making friends, no point in doing anything that doesn't directly help me get abroad. Even if I somehow force myself to think that another 20+ months in the states isn't my own personal version of hell, the best I can do is gather $4000 and apply for a measly working holiday visa. This would get me abroad, but only for a year, and the economic downtown is so wide-spread that finding a job for that year would be another nigh impossibly. And then what? Say goodbye to another batch of friends and head back to the states? There are no easy answers here.

What's the point of building anything if you know you'll need to tear it down a few months later?