Being back home in California usually leaves me feeling vaguely lost as I stumble around the same house I spent most of my life in. This time, things are different. I spent part of the weekend looking at future homes near UCR, where I will no doubt spend most of my time hopefully getting shitfaced off terrible beer and writing a lot. Hope springs eternal.
However, this entry isn't about being back in California. It's about saying goodbye to Boston. Really there was no better ending I could have imagined than finally taking part in a slam poetry competition before I left. After warming up with a poem I originally wrote two years ago, I finally stepped up and delivered Heavenly Father Forgive Me. Originally written at the August 4th Slam while listening to other poets perform, I couldn't dare to miss the chance of standing on stage and delivering what is, in many ways, an ode to Boston.
After I finished performing it and getting pretty good scores (combined with the first poem, I placed third out of fourth), I had a few people from the audience come up and thank me for my poem. One guy even declared it the best he had heard that night. And really, that alone is enough to keep me writing for atleast another month or two. While I was in front of the mic, I could feel my pulse risng as I hurried through the words. But when I hit the second half of the poem, I instead felt my voice grow ever louder as I rang out a new declaration. Although supposedly written for a competition, I think I wrote it more for my own inner peace than needless applause.
Heavenly Father Forgive Me
Heavenly father forgive me, but I’m tired of being me
I’m tired of being told that male masculinity is the religion to which I must aspire to.
Every waking moment in my all too constrictive life when all I see is arbitrary disillusionment, willful abandonment, and meaningless pleasantries
Why must I congratulate the swollen swagger of a peer as he raves about how he “tore that shit up”, as he lectures endlessly about our duties as Men, while he condescends every woman he meets?
Macho is a word best used for the primitive, those that still cling to gender roles out of tradition, necessity, or desperation.
Why does your scripture damn assertive woman for daring to do more than kneel at your feet like an always willing and waiting doormat?
Yet despite the toxic filth that you espouse, there are still so many women who worship you.
I have seen so many of them damn themselves to secondary silence just because of your so called Holy Word.
Heavenly father forgive me, but I cannot be me unless I reject you.
I cannot ascribe to your maxims, kneel in your pews, or pray for your continued domination any longer.
All I have is this, the redeclaration of my independence.
To hell with your arbitrary standards of masculinity!
Yes, I not only listen to but I actively enjoy Madonna, Kelly Clarkson, and all manner of kickass chick rock!
Yes,I like a good romance film every now and then because watching when harry met sally reminds me of how I felt when I met her.
And Yes,I get emotionally torn up after breaking up.
Because even though very few of us will admit it , we men don’t just remember our ex-girlfriends. We worship you in silence, too afraid of admitting that we feel pain through our supposedly impervious armor
So yes, I'm passive and indecisive and exhausted from the expectation to always take charge.
But as I return to you, the false prophet I realize that I am stronger than you will ever be.
Because your mask of masculinity only hides a well of insecurity.
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