I once naively thought that, as we get older that life would suddenly make sense, that details would fall together, as if a magical door was suddenly revealed and all I would have to do is enter it.

Instead, I�ve found there to be a depressing lack of resemblance between who I am and who I wish to be. As the summer begins to wind down, I once again find myself at odds with my goals. My goal of writing more has become a joke, as embodied by the lack of updates on this very page. Although mental progress towards my newest prose story has been made, I still have yet to actually sit down with cappuccino in hand and slog my way through it. Writing is usually a refreshing, relaxing experience made primarily of thoughtful reflection. Unfortunately, all reflection can do is point out how little progress I�ve made towards my goals.

I�ve been waiting far too long for a spark, a moment, and an epiphany or damn near anything to break me from my groggy haze. And still, I wait. Waiting for a career path to light up in front of me. Waiting for a world event to transform me from spectator to activist. Waiting for the right girl to come along. Waiting.

Even a much anticipated road trip provided little excitement and only served to further shaken one of my still standing beliefs. I have long talked about how I believe that things happen for a reason, and yet it is always the �what if�s that wreak the most havoc. Until a few weeks ago, I had thought that attending Boston University was absolutely, certainly the right choice. While I was less certain about certain decisions once I arrived, I had never even contemplated that perhaps my first choice was the wrong choice. Traveling to Montreal forced me to take stock of just how fantastic my first two years have been.

It�s ironic how life pulls reversals on us without even realizing. High school was all about trying to escape your branded identity whether it be �loving son, faithful boyfriend, or studious scholar�. College is exactly the opposite. It�s about being forced to create your own identity and not having anything else to fall back on. You�re just� you. For better or worse.

I originally had planned to write this entry on the single versus couple life, but it seems to be such a well worn path that I really can�t throw much insight onto it at the moment.

All I can say is, I�d love to find a Barney Stinson to my Ted Mosby.

By the way, I am overjoyed to learn that after finally sitting down and watching Veronica Mars she bears little resemblance to my idea of Jamie Brand. It�s a fantastic show with a well-constructed plot, snarky dialogue, and fascinating characters (Logan Echolls is the best male character I�ve seen in a very long time). Yet despite that and it�s noir mystery at a high school promise, its still thankfully nowhere near my vision.

Jamie Brand is the latest incarnation of my long mapped out but rarely written plan for an overarching series that more than likely will first be in prose format.

The idea originally hatched way back in senior year of high school, as an ode to all those superhero stories I worship. I�m attracted to the genre for numerous reasons, not the least of which are its strong-willed, aggressive, and morally driven lead characters. Motivated by a Marvel miniseries entitled Powers, I began mapping out the basics. Powers took the basic Marvel characters and envisioned them in a world without? er, powers. Peter Parker was still a geek genius, but he didn�t dress in tights. Matt Murdock still fought for justice in the court room, but never fought the Purple Man. And Wolverine? Still a killer. My mind took note - you didn�t need powers or flashy villains to tell tales of heroism.

While the ideas grew more and more complicated with introductions, character arcs and motivations mapped out, I had yet to actually lay pen to paper. When I finally returned to the long dormant idea last semester, I found an odd thing had happened. The plot, although a bit bombastic and in need of massive trimming, was actually quite well on its way. Character motivations and foreshadowing were all well defined, but something was off. My main character, a brash rebel without a cause moralizing crusader, felt flat. A twist ending at the end was a good payoff to an earlier set up, but it also drove the point home: My lead character named Matt Cain was a bit of a dullard. Moralizing crusaders can be fun, but being on the straight and narrow left little room for humor, wit, or anything resembling suspense. Meanwhile, I found myself giving more and more time and thought to the female lead, Jenny O�Neil, who initially was little more than a plot McGuffin. All of a sudden, SHE had the best lines, the best moments, and the most fun. I enjoyed writing her in a way that I had never felt before.

And so, yet again the plans have changed. The plots been reworked yet again. The settings bumped from high school to a murkier more open college. High level assassinations carried out by high schoolers have given way to a much grittier tale of rape, murder, cover ups, and conspiracy all in academia�s halls. And Matt Cain? He�s now the rather dull supporting character who Jamie Brand gets to bounce off of for all of those exposition filled scenes. Jamie Brand, of course, is now the lead. And good lord, is she ever something.

I was talking to a friend when they told me that all great writers fall in love with their greatest characters. From that little nugget I�ve set out to define Jamie Brand as what I�d consider to be the Perfect Woman (for me). Therefore, she�s a total head case, a complete bitch to everyone around her, she uses men for sex or for her amusement, aggressive to a fault, and knows how to pull off a killer mini skirt.

I think that as I get more confident, the more I look for differences from already existing works than similarities. Sure, Veronica Mars and Jamie Brand are both keen to figure out information to help their friends. They�re both snarky and they both have major trust issues. But beyond that, they�re two very different characters. I�ve only seen the first season thus far of Veronica Mars, but she rarely, if ever uses violence to solve her problems. She�s more likely to threaten with incriminating evidence than her own fists. But Jamie? I think nearly every scene between her and a guy includes some act of physical aggression on her part. She�s either throwing guys against a rail to make out with them or throwing them against a wall to gain information. She doesn�t yearn for popularity like Miss Mars. Jamie�s more akin to a gun-less Tara Chace from the sublime Queen and Country series than anyone else.

To be honest, I�m a bit worried writing my first real stab at prose from a female perspective. Somehow though, changing the gender has given everything a fresh spark with a more intriguing perspective.

Now if only I could get around to writing the damned thing.